Friday, April 22

Jokes From The Inbox

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

A Wish To Live Forever


I met a fairy today who said that she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

From An Actual Trail In The UK

A young Woman several months pregnant was sitting on a bus when she noticed a young man smiling at her. She decided to look out the window and ignore him.

She chanced a look back at him. He was still staring at her with an even bigger smile on his face and she was the only one he was looking at!

She was sure of this. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat & he seemed more amused. She moved again and he was rolling with laughter.

She was so angry she got off the bus and called the cops on him. He was arrested and when he was in court she was there.

In the court, the judge asked him what his defense was for bothering pregnant women on the bus.

He said; “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon’. I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement which read 'William's stick did the trick'. When I could not control myself any longer, she moved again! On the third move, she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident”.

The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing.

The Password  

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

‘MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento’.
When asked why she had such a long password, she said, “I was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. Didn’t I do it right?”

A Day In Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and Fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Observations On Growing Older

  • Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
  • Going out is good. Coming home is better! 
  • When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
  • When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
  • You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
  • The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 10+ and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 10+ pounds.
  • Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
  • The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
  • Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his ‘pre-sleep’. 
  • Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident! You used to say; "I hope my kids GET married”. Now; "I hope they STAY married!"
  • You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
  • When personal computers were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  • You tend to use more 4 letter words like, "what?"..."when?"... ???
  • Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
  • Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
  • You read 100 pages of a book before you realize you've read it.
  • Notice everything they sell in stores is ‘sleeveless’?!!!
  • What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
  • Everybody whispers because you are going deaf. 
  • Now that your husband has retired .. you'd give anything if he'd find a job! 
  • But old is good in some things especially ‘Old Friends’!!!!! 
“It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.” Anonymous

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Friday, March 25

Ten Reasons People Dislike Cats



1. Cats Are Independent

People tend to like pets that fawn over them and cannot live without their owner’s company. Cats do not fit that mold. This personality trait is not true for every single cat; there are some who are insecure and clingy. However, the average cat will be very self-possessed and will exert their own will over what their owner wants at any given time. Cats do not always come when called (although many do as long as it suits them), will hide when you really need them to go to the vet, and hate to be restrained in any way. Cat lovers learn very quickly not to hug their pets too closely and to always let the animal go when they do not want to be cuddled anymore. Even docile cats will scratch to escape a tight embrace. If you try and force a cat to stay in your arms that animal is less apt to come to you again. Cats are not pack animals like dogs and do not require affection to survive. They can definitely fair better when alone or homeless than dogs. Despite being independent and proud, cats still gift their owners with attention and love if the human is worthy.

2. Litter Boxes

The very idea of a litter box can tip the pet scale away from owning a cat. Many people simply do not want a box in their home where an animal goes to the bathroom. Unfortunately, litter boxes have gained a bad rap because owners forget to clean them enough and the smell and mess become overwhelming. Imagine having to step into a filthy outhouse every day that has overflowed and then you can empathize what cats go through in full litter boxes. Also, people need to have one box per cat in the household to avoid power struggles amongst their feline roommate. When a cat out of necessity starts elimination in areas outside the box it can become a chronic issue. Cats are creatures of habit and often develop favorite litters, areas and even times of day to go in the box. Try not to disrupt the routine and keep the box clean so litter won’t be the reason your cat is an outcast in the home.

3. Scratching

Cats like to scratch and you will never stop them from doing this activity. The only hope of saving your carpets, furniture, staircases and curtains is to divert their attention to acceptable scratching areas. The fact to remember is that cats do not scratch to make you mad or because they maliciously want to destroy your possessions; they scratch because it is natural for them to do so. Scratching exercises their muscles, sharpens their claws and takes off the old covering on their claws. The easiest solution to the scratching dilemma is to buy your cat a post and put it somewhere convenient for the pet. If the cat does not seem interested in the post try rubbing some catnip onto the post. You can also discourage the animal from scratching areas other than the post by employing a few proactive tactics. For example, the judicious use of a squirt gun when you catch the cat scratching might change their behavior but this method will not work when you are not home. Another effective method for stopping the scratching is rubbing fresh orange peels or spraying bitter apple on sofa arms and carpet to scare your cat away; they hate the smell. If you cannot stop your pet from scratching ask for advice at your vet. There are many products designed to keep cats away from areas in your house. These anti-scratching products use scent, sound and texture to keep cats at bay. 

NEVER remove a cat's claws because they are extensions of the toe and act as the cat's fingers. Declawing is very frowned upon now.

4. Hairballs

There are very few things in life as surprising and disgusting as walking through your home, especially at night, and stepping on a warm, mucus coated glob of fur with your bare feet. Even seeing a hairball can forever put people off owning cats. Hairballs are produced because cats lick themselves clean, sometimes spending a considerable part of their busy day grooming and chewing on their fur. Cats don’t swallow their fur on purpose; they have no choice because their tongues have little backward barbs on them which do not allow the cat to spit loose hair out. Most of this ingested hair pass through the intestines easily but sometimes if there is too much hair it mats up and can get stuck. Cats need to regurgitate the hairball or serious health issues like blocked intestines can result. The easiest solution to this potentially serious problem is to brush your cat regularly. This will reduce the amount of loose fur your cat ingests and be a pleasant bonding activity. You can also feed your cat petroleum jelly or butter to help lubricate the passage of the hair wad and make sure you buy high fiber cat food to keep your cat’s digestive system healthy.

5. Cats Seem Perverse
Cats have very strong personalities which can rub people the wrong way. They run around the house, careening off of furniture and walls, knocking valuables off of shelves for fun, leaping down from cupboard tops with no warning and then attack your feet when you try to change positions in your sleep. Sharing your home with cats can be like living in a minefield; you never know what the day might hold. Men, in particular, have a hard time with pets that cannot be controlled or at least intimidated and cats tend to be immune to disapproval. One of the most common complaints by non-cat lovers is that these pets seem to take delight in leaping into the laps of people who genuinely do not like them. This behavior seems like a deliberate act designed to annoy but there is a reason for the cat’s actions. Cats are aggressive animals and will make eye contact, move towards and hiss at other animals when threatened. People who dislike cats tend to ignore them, avoiding both eye contact and physical interactions. Cats see this type of reaction as extremely friendly so they jump right up to make friends. They don’t know the cringing person does not like them.

6. Allergies

Many people are allergic to cats and tend to hate the little creatures that produce such unpleasant symptoms. A common misconception about cat allergies is that all that congestion and red eyes is caused by the cat fur. This is incorrect. Cats have a protein in their saliva which is put on the fur when the animal grooms itself. This protein can also be transferred off the fur onto couches, carpets, and beds when the cat walks, plays, sleeps or rolls around. Allergens from cats also can be airborne for long periods of time so you need to utilize several strategies to control exposure. Rubbing the animal with a microfiber cloth can remove some of its dander; this is more effective (and safer) then bathing the animal. You can also keep the cat out of your bedroom completely to make it a dander fee zone and wash all your bedding (and chair covers) at least every two weeks in hot water. Getting a high-quality HEPA air filter system and vacuum can remove a great deal of allergens from your home. The easiest way to minimize your symptoms, besides getting rid of the cat, is to wash your hands after petting the animal with a good antibacterial soap.

7. Attitude Based in History

Some schools of thought maintain that men dislike cats because of the subconscious association to witches and continuing historical prejudice. Cats went from being worshipped by ancient cultures such as the Egyptians to being despised for over 800 years after the 10th century. Accused witches were usually women who performed healing and midwife duties. These independent women were feared and persecuted and their cats were labeled as witches helpers in the dark arts. Cats were thought of as agents of the devil and many believed that witches could turn into cats to perform their wicked magic. Hundreds of thousands of felines (sometimes with their human companions) were burned, buried alive, drowned and otherwise put to death in the name of protecting the church or community. Cats, especially black ones, to this day are still thought to be bad luck if they cross your path. This fear and distrust is not logical but catching sight of glowing cat eyes in the middle of the night can bring a shiver down many people’s spines.
 
8. Cats are not Manly

Stereotypes are not acceptable in modern society but several still revolve around pet choices. Cats have gained a reputation as being somewhat feminine despite the obvious macho attitude that most cats tend to exude. This misconception might have its roots in the familiar story about old ladies and their many cat companions. Countless jokes are made about mature single women who start to accumulate cats as a defense against their lack of masculine companions. This feminine scenario has no place for a single man and his cat. Cats are only considered okay as a man’s pet if he acquired the animal through his wife or girlfriend. Otherwise, he would have a big masculine dog to walk and throw sticks to in the park. Despite these prejudices, cats are actually perfect for men because they require very little maintenance besides feeding them and cleaning the litter box. Cats are also very forgiving if an owner has to work late or has no time for cuddling.
 
9. Cats Rub Against Everything

Cats despite their well-deserved reputations for independence also like to rub their faces and bodies against people. Women tend to love this type of appreciation but men are not as enchanted by the shedding fur and inevitable cat behind in their face. Cats rub against their owners for many reasons including the need to be affectionate. Cats also rub against things they want to mark as theirs in a territorial manner. Basically, cats have glands located all over their bodies that secrete different pheromones which are used for communication through scent. When your pet rubs against your legs these pheromones cling to you and tell other felines that you belong to a cat. Cats also like to butt their heads against you to produce a shared scent which is comforting to the animal. Anyone who has tripped because of a cat twining through their legs can attest to the fact that cats will rub up against their owner when hungry as well. No matter what your cat is trying to tell you, it is obvious that rubbing and cuddling are crucial to feline communication.
 
10. Cats Are Not Dogs

The most prevalent reason some people don’t like a feline is cats are not dogs. People tend to fall into two camps when it comes to pet ownership: dog people and cat people. Dog people enjoy the loyalty, unrestrained affection and need to please that canines display to their owners. Cat people are proud of the quirkiness, personality and self-reliance that felines exhibit. Cats should not be penalized because they are hard-wired genetically in a different way from dogs. Canines are pack animals that are submissive to their owner because that person is the “alpha” in the pack. They display loyalty and obedience because many types of dogs have these traits bred into them over centuries. Cats are not part of packs and are in many ways still relatively undomesticated. Cat and human relationships are often give and take scenarios where each receives a benefit from the other. Cats are fed, kept warm and dry while humans get the pleasure of the cat's company and occasionally a dead mouse or two.

I personally like cats just as much as dogs and that any preferences between the two is just a person’s likes and dislikes. This ‘person’ can be a man or women and can like dogs, fish or gerbils. I’m just happy when a pet gets a good home and every pet deserves that! Let’s all treat our pets like they should be treated, with as much love as they give us.

Before you get any pet, do your research on it. Does this pet fit your lifestyle? Your home? How much can you afford to spend on a pet? Should you get a baby animal or an older animal that needs a home? How much time and energy can you put into that pet?

Talk to a person who has a pet like you’re interested in and see what they have to say. If you're thorough in your search for the perfect pet, you will have the perfect pet at home and they will love you forever.


OMG It’s Friday! Keep On Bloggin’!

Wednesday, March 16

Life's Brilliance

My friend Mark wrote these words just for me at a time when I really needed them and although it's been some time now, his words still deserve to be heard today.

He's a Veteran, and a sweet man. Mark is an excellent writer and he says the words just flow through him and I believe it. I like to think of him as a "gentle giant" he's so considerate.

He's helped me think about my problems in a way that has really helped me in the past plus it's nice to know that someone does care that much to go out of their way to write a blog for you especially in hard times.

We have just had the horrific earthquake and tsunami in Japan that will forever change our world as we know it and we still all have problems of our own to contend with. It’s amazing how just the right words can move your soul.

To Mark, I pray that your soul finds peace through your writing and you have a long life to enjoy with your family and grandkids!

Life’s Brilliance*

Wonder do I what people see; be it a dandelion or a weed.
See you not the brilliant yellow; with the green of the leaves.
Or be it that what you see is just something unsightly.
They need nothing from man, yet held most contemptible by him.
Be this not like life, when what we see becomes unsightly.
That the harshness of life’s cruelty; be this when we see that which be a weed.
Oh, could we not see the color of the dandelion, life’s brilliance.

*For Bekkie

I hope you find peace in these treasured words.


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Tuesday, March 8

Tastes Like Chicken

Human tongue on the hospital canteen menu?

A human tongue has been served up in a hospital canteen's chicken risotto and bosses figure it was accidentally dropped into the food by another doctor.

Slovenian officials are investigating after a doctor complained about a strange piece of meat on his plate. The doctor insisted it was not chicken and after some intense bickering it was sent away for tests and found out it was part of a human tongue!

I guess that answers the question that "everything" doesn't always taste like chicken!

Inspectors have closed the canteen in Izola, southern Slovenia, to review hygiene standards. A hospital spokesman insisted: "I can say clearly that we have never used patients' parts in any of our dishes."

Bosses believe that another doctor could have unwittingly dropped the tongue in the food after treating a patient. This begs the question…Slovenian Doctor, why are you even carrying around a human tongue specimen in the canteen area of the hospital in the first place? Gives me the creeps! Thank heavens I don't live in southern Slovenia!

(And yes, this was a true story in the sense that it was in a newspaper article I saw online.)

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